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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Oka Incident!

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Oldie but Goodie Post from July 4, 2012:

I found this very funny story from north of the border on the internet posted in originally in 2002. Thanks to B.J.!

by B.J.Rhodes
When Frank and Percy Muska ordered their new truck, they spared no expense, and from the tips of its chromed stacks to the custom velour interior, the long-nose Peterbilt was pure class. After seeing the movie 'Smokey and the Bandit', they figured it would be a neat idea to have their purebred Bassett hound "Piglet" ride along on every trip. Piglet had no class. What he did have was an appetite like a crocodile, with jaws to match, but the Muska brothers treated the thing like royalty. Piglet ate only 'Muska' food; the two fools claimed dog food made him stink. Naturally it wasn't long before he started to look like the Graff Zeppelin.
They hauled freight out of Winnipeg to Montreal via the States for the same company that I did. On one trip to Quebec, they decided to stop in the town where Oka cheese is made - they were crazy about the smelly stuff, and purchased a ten pound wheel. They were soon in hog-heaven, gorging on cheese and carefully trimming off the rinds which they fed to Piglet, nearly losing a finger or two in the process. After a thorough stuffing, they concluded that it would be a darn shame to eat another bite of the delicious cheese without the benefit of good rye bread and perhaps a fine garlic sausage, which, as far as the Muskas were concerned, could only be obtained back in Winnipeg. They bought a cheap styrofoam cooler and some ice to keep the valuable cargo fresh, and to ensure no aroma could escape to tempt them with its delicate boutique, they sealed the cooler lid with duct tape.
After stopping for supper, having left Piglet on guard as usual, they returned to find chunks of styrofoam scattered about, and a bloated Piglet flopped out like a beached walrus. The little monster had devoured the whole wheel of cheese - not a trace remained, even the label was gone.
After the initial shock had worn off, and despite the loss of their precious cargo, the big worry was what effect an estimated eight pounds of Oka cheese would have on the little glutton. He'd be okay, they reasoned, after a bit of exercise...but Piglet was way too full to move, and walking was out of the question. He'd growl like hell if anyone tried to disturb him.
When they reached Chicago, Piglet was starting to move around a bit. At Belvedere, they stopped to eat, and managed to hoist a cranky, snarling Piglet out for a much-needed and hoped-for bowel movement. No way...Piglet was moving, but nothing else was.
By the time they reached Minneapolis, the infamous cheese had Piglet bunged up for nearly three days...something had to be done! They figured that Ex-lax would do the trick, and Piglet eagerly gobbled up the little treats. In Fargo, they stopped for supper and again they waddled the bloated Bassett around...still no luck...so back into the truck he went, as heavy as a wet sand bag. An hour later they returned to the rig, and upon opening the door, they were greeted by the most horrid mess and stench imaginable. Poor Piglet had literally exploded in the truck. In his frantic efforts to get out, he'd tracked and sprayed the disgusting mess everywhere. They bought paper towels and cleaned up as best they could. Blankets, sheets, the mattress...all had to be thrown out.
As Frank tells it, " Lucky nobody saw me and Percy stuffing that effin' mattress in the garbage at one of those roadside rest stops. We were damn tempted to stuff Piglet in as well. Finally all we could do was put on our coveralls, roll down the jeezuzly windows, and tough it out. It was a long, cold, stinking trip home but we cleared customs in record time!
If you ever want to smuggle something across the border, a cab smeared with dog crap will discourage even the most zealous of customs officers."
Even after a thorough clean-up, and a half-dozen of those little pine trees hanging everywhere, the offensive odour would return as soon as the heater was turned on. The Muska brothers lost all interest in Oka cheese after that, and Piglet's long-haul days were over for good.
- B.J. Rhodes


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