saveyourmarriageadvice.com
Something to think about, see the following article written by Kim Kommando on her site. My wife has always had access to all of my accounts and passwords. And I have access to her's. Seems like this would prevent anything like this from happening!
The Internet can be a marriage killer, one of my listeners told me in an email last week. He wasn't speaking philosophically. He said it almost happened to him.
This wasn't because his wife spent too much money on eBay, or the result of his fascination with streaming online sports. Instead, they had each, separately, fallen down the rabbit hole of online infidelity.
"Our counselor said the problem is growing, especially among couples that have been married more than 18 years," he said.
It's true that the Internet has made infidelity much easier. According to PsychCentral.com, the Internet is now where the majority of people go to find sex partners.
Additionally, there are numerous sites specifically devoted to helping married couples cheat online. And I know this is where you might expect me to name some of those destinations. But I'm having nothing to do with handing anyone a link to destructive temptation. Trust me, there is no shortage of examples.
The culprit in all of this is Internet anonymity. It leads to connections that wouldn't be made offline. It also encourages participants to share more about themselves with online partners than they do with their spouses, says researcher Beatriz Mileham. Her University of Florida study on Internet infidelity looked at 86 cyber-cheaters.
In almost every example, the online relationships began as curious friendships, but soon became more.
Mileham interviewed men and women who used popular chat rooms specifically geared for married-but-searching individuals. Almost a third of the study participants went on to meet the person with whom they made contact.
The study participants included stay-at-home moms, construction workers, engineers, nurses and presidents of large corporations. Her research showed that more men than women used chat rooms.
But more recently, women are catching up to men when it comes to infidelity, says Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist and assistant professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Hertlein specializes in helping those who are experiencing marital difficulties caused by online cheating. She recently told Discovery News that she blames the growth in female infidelity on social sites. She said it is a result of their anonymity - and their popularity among women.
Can technology be used for good in this situation? There are many useful tools available. Here are just two, but each is useful for a different approach:
OpenDNS and FamilyShield are prevention tools, offering protection against adult websites. The sites primarily block pornography, drug content and violence, but can be broadened to include places where spouses are likely to wander.
For those more interested in monitoring, a program like TimeSnapper can be used. It takes screenshots of a computer monitor at regular intervals and reveals how it's being used. It will record all the dirty laundry, whether it's pornography or inappropriate chatting.
But is such spying just as harmful to a marriage? Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., author of several books on the subject and founder of marriage counseling center, Marriage Builders, believes a spouse has every right to investigate, whether it involves installing tracking software or hiring a professional.
"A husband and wife should be so transparent that any effort on the part of one to look at what the other is doing should never be considered off limits," says Harley.
Many counselors now recommend that both partners have total access to each other's sites, including Facebook and Twitter, to build accountability.
Researcher Mileham believes it's time for couples to discuss the Internet as seriously as they discuss whether or not to have children before they marry.
"To prevent future problems, young couples, as well as long-term committed couples, need to talk about what role the Internet will play in their relationship," she said.
That was the advice my listener and his wife received from the counselor they eventually consulted.
"She recommended that we both have total access to all of each other's sites and passwords," he said.
"Please warn couples about this," he urged me in his email. "It's an important part of anyone's digital life. Open access is the only solution."
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